Smile

In case you are having a bad day , you need a little help with that speech or presentation or this website has got a little heavy for you we want to bring a Smile to your face with these jokes & anecdotes:

Blondes

How to make a blonde laugh on Saturday: tell her a joke on Wednesday

She put lipstick on her forehead becasue she wanted to make up her mind

She thought a quarterback was a refund

If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you would get some change

She tripped over a cordless phone

When she was on the highway going to the airport & saw a sign that said airport left, she turned round & went home

Domestic

Be nice to your children - they'll pick your nursing home

Bigamy is having one wife too many - monogamy is the same

Punishment for bigamy - 2 mother in laws

Confucius

Indecision is the key to flexibility

In just 2 days, tomorrow will be yesterday

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, & some days you're the statue

Men are like banks accounts: without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest

The only man to get all his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe

Light travels faster than sound: this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit: wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism: to steal form many is market research

A bus station is where a bus stops & train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station......

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool & throw them fish?

Edwars (Bunter) Pickles is half bulimic: it's just that after he has eaten, he forgets to throw up

Always borrow money from a pessimist - he won't expect it back

Women will NEVER be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head & a beer gut, & still think they are sexy

Women who want to be equal to men lack ambition

Public Sector Perks

The following news item appeared in The Mirror

"An immigration officer was so sick of his wife that he put her on a terrorist watch list whilst she was visiting family overseas - so that she could not return form Pakistan.

When she went to the airport to get her return flight back, she was refused with no explanation. She complained to her husband, who promised to look into it, but left her stuck in Pakistan for three years while he had 'the time of his life'.

The situation only came to light when bosses increased vetting on him after he applied for promotion. Having been asked for an explanation the man resigned."

Thinking Outside the Box

In the Irish “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire “ Competition 

Question: “How many days of the week have T in them?”
Paddy: “14 - I have Tea every morning when I get up & again in the afternoon” 

Question: “How many seconds are there in a year?”
Paddy: “12 - 2nd August, 2nd September, 2nd October…”

Question: "What is the Christian Name of God?”
Paddy: “Harold - Our Father which art in Heaven Harold be thy name”

Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father & working with him in his family business.

Then his father took sick & was eventually hospitalised. At this point having learnt he would inherit a fortune when his father died, his mind strayed to thinking about a wife with whom to share his new wealth.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. Plucking up courage, he approached her to get to know her better "I may look like just an ordinary guy, but very soon, my father will die, & I will inherit £20 million".

Impressed the woman obtained his business card & three days later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men!

Michael Caine

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