Smile

In case you are having a bad day , you need a little help with that speech or presentation or this website has got a little heavy for you we want to bring a Smile to your face with these jokes & anecdotes:

Lockdown

Rationing     

Seen in an Amersham Barber's window - "one haircut per person"

Social Distancing

Eat lots of garlic -that should do the trick!

Corona Virus Cure

Pharmacy customer "Have you got a cure?", Reply "Ammonia Cleaner", Customer "Sorry I thought you were staff"

Celebration

Guy walks into a fish & chip shop with a salmon under his arm & asks "Do you do fish cakes?", "Yes" came the reply

"Great" said the guy  & pointing to to the salmon added  "it's for him, it's his birthday"

Virus Cyber Warning

If you get an e mail entitled "Knock Knock", don't open it, It's from the Jehovah Witnesses, who are working from home

Panic Buying 1

If you need 144 loo rolls for a 3 week Lockdown (!), you probably should have seen your doctor months ago!

Panic Buying 2

In Germany they prepared for Lockoden by stocking up with sausages & cheese - that was the Wurst Kase scenario.

Festive Present

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It wasn't her main present, just a stocking filler.

Bank Holiday Egg Dilemma

My mate said his diet had not been gonig too well - he was having 5 eggs for brekafast.

I asked whether they were poached,scrambled or fired - "No, Cadburys" came the reply.

Lockdown TV

I was watching the Bermuda Philamonic Orchestra last night when half way through, the guy playing the triangle disappeared.

Attempted Lockdown Generosity

My mate bought a world map & told his wife to throw a dart & wherever it landed, he would take her on holiday post Lockdown.

Turns out they will be spending 2 weeks behind the fridge.

Lockdown Dramatics

My son got a part in a school play as a chap that had been married for 25 years.

"Never mind son, you might get a speaking part next time".

Lockdown Generosity 2

My wife says I am toght, so to prove her wrong I'm taking her out for tea & biscuits ... it should be exciting as she's

never given blood before.

Lockdown Police Run In

Our local vicar was unwell, so his wife followed Donald Trump's suggestino & injected him with Domestos.

She has just been charged with a bleach of the priest.

Lockdown Isolation

The PM held a meeting with the cabinet today.

He also spoke to the bookcase & argued with the chest of drawers.

Reward For Ingenuity

The man who invented the zip fastener has been honoured with a Lifetime Peerage.

He will be know as Lord of the Flies.

Returning To Work

A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the M25.

Motorists have been asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.

Spanish Lockdown

King Felipe VI of Spain has been quarantined on his private jet.

This means that the reign in Spain will stay mainly on the plane.

Lockdown Car Sale

Vauxhall Corsa for Sale

Very economical, currently getting 4 weeks to the gallon.

Scottish Lockdown Relaxation

A sunbathing couple have tested positive for hypothermia - time to put something on under those klts !

Self Distancing

I sat in the cupboard under the stairs with a friend.

Between us were the aparatus for measuring the supply of gas & electricity.

We were complying with Social Distancing as we had 2 meters betwen us.

Blondes

How to make a blonde laugh on Saturday: tell her a joke on Wednesday

She put lipstick on her forehead becasue she wanted to make up her mind

She thought a quarterback was a refund

If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you would get some change

She tripped over a cordless phone

When she was on the highway going to the airport & saw a sign that said airport left, she turned round & went home

Domestic

Be nice to your children - they'll pick your nursing home

Bigamy is having one wife too many - monogamy is the same

Punishment for bigamy - 2 mother in laws

Confucius

Indecision is the key to flexibility

In just 2 days, tomorrow will be yesterday

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, & some days you're the statue

Men are like banks accounts: without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest

The only man to get all his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe

Light travels faster than sound: this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit: wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism: to steal form many is market research

A bus station is where a bus stops & train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station......

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool & throw them fish?

Edwars (Bunter) Pickles is half bulimic: it's just that after he has eaten, he forgets to throw up

Always borrow money from a pessimist - he won't expect it back

Women will NEVER be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head & a beer gut, & still think they are sexy

Women who want to be equal to men lack ambition

Public Sector Perks

The following news item appeared in The Mirror

"An immigration officer was so sick of his wife that he put her on a terrorist watch list whilst she was visiting family overseas - so that she could not return form Pakistan.

When she went to the airport to get her return flight back, she was refused with no explanation. She complained to her husband, who promised to look into it, but left her stuck in Pakistan for three years while he had 'the time of his life'.

The situation only came to light when bosses increased vetting on him after he applied for promotion. Having been asked for an explanation the man resigned."

Thinking Outside the Box

In the Irish “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire “ Competition 

Question: “How many days of the week have T in them?”
Paddy: “14 - I have Tea every morning when I get up & again in the afternoon” 

Question: “How many seconds are there in a year?”
Paddy: “12 - 2nd August, 2nd September, 2nd October…”

Question: "What is the Christian Name of God?”
Paddy: “Harold - Our Father which art in Heaven Harold be thy name”

Financial Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father & working with him in his family business.

Then his father took sick & was eventually hospitalised. At this point having learnt he would inherit a fortune when his father died, his mind strayed to thinking about a wife with whom to share his new wealth.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. Plucking up courage, he approached her to get to know her better "I may look like just an ordinary guy, but very soon, my father will die, & I will inherit £20 million".

Impressed the woman obtained his business card & three days later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men!

Michael Caine

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